How to use boundaries as a coping skill to reduce anxiety and achieve goals
In this YouTube vlog, we delve into the significance of setting boundaries in various aspects of our lives. Weak boundaries can lead to stress, anxiety, and hindered goal achievement. From work to relationships to managing time, boundaries play a crucial role in maintaining well-being.
Weak boundaries can lead to myriad problems in our lives. Whether it's at work, in relationships, or managing our time, the lack of clear boundaries can contribute to stress, anxiety, and hinder goal achievement. In this blog post, we'll explore the impact of weak boundaries and how setting boundaries in interpersonal, emotional, and time-related aspects can bring positive changes. Additionally, boundary issues can permeate a range of issues such as depression, codependency, caregiving, separation/divorce, life transitions, or grief. If you find yourself struggling with maintaining boundaries in these areas, online psychotherapy and counseling can offer valuable support. Below is more information on how AROSE eTherapy can help you set boundaries in these areas as this practice targets those areas, especially for the high-achieving woman and military affiliate.
How weak boundaries cause problems
The term "boundaries" may sound abstract, but its importance cannot be overstated. Put simply boundaries are limits, borders, or edges separating one entity from another. These borders can be literal, such as a border between two countries, your yard from your neighbors’, or between one person and another. They can be temporal such as from day to day, month to month, or appointment to appointment. Boundaries can also be invisible like when we consider emotional energy between two people—some people tend to absorb the energy of others while others can clearly maintain their own emotional state while simply observing the emotions of another.
Boundaries apply to different facets of life. I recall a workplace incident where our boss emphasized the need for better boundaries to maintain professionalism. However, the irony was evident as the company itself demonstrated poor boundaries by imposing unexpected extra work hours without compensation. The lack of boundaries greatly contributed to workplace stress.
Of course, boundary issues are not just a workplace dilemma. Keeping healthy boundaries is something we can practice in friendships, romantic relationships, familial relationships, and at the individual level. As mentioned, boundaries not only apply to interpersonal relationships but to areas like emotions and time management.
Over time, failing to assert yourself and make your boundaries and preferences known erodes self-esteem. Some feel guilty for taking care of themselves, as if they are doing something wrong. Of course, logically there is no reason to feel guilty for stating a preference and voicing what you need. Maintaining this position will only keep you struggling emotionally and in a position where you fail to achieve your own goals.
WHERE DO WEAK BOUNDARIES COME FROM?
Before we consider solutions, let’s consider the problem and understand why weak boundaries come about to begin with. Weak boundaries can be the result of personality characteristics, anxiety, or modeling. Often people struggle to say no, voice their true preferences, and ultimately stand up for themselves because they are people pleasers. Their focus is making sure others are happy with the conditions. They may not only prioritize others’ happiness but live a life where they live in fear and anxiety of an angry reaction from others. The thought of others being unhappy, upset, or even angry with them is terrifying. This could be because of past experiences, even going back to childhood, where they were subjected to intensely negative if not emotionally abusive responses from someone of authority, be it a parent, teacher, coach, or neighbor. Sadly, this may have contributed to an anxious temperament, depression, or at least the drive to make others happy to avoid others’ rath. It is also common to struggle with boundary setting if no one modeled boundary setting for you. Perhaps you were in scenarios in the past where your boundaries were violated, as in the case of abuse, or were disrespected or railroaded by dominant figures you might have interacted with. People oftentimes repeat patterns without awareness. Recognizing your tendencies to struggle with boundaries is an important step towards improving them.
What can change for the better by setting boundaries—Tell me what you want, what you really, really want.
Imagine a life where you find your voice and let your needs, wants, and preferences be known without fear, understanding that there is nothing criminal in speaking your mind. The recipient of the message may not like what you have to say, or a compromise may have to be worked out, but this should not deter you from stating what you want. It’s important to remember that win-win solutions are possible, therefore there’s little reason to keep your preferences a secret. As you practice this new way of assertion, your confidence will begin to grow and your comfort in managing interpersonal relations will improve. With this, any anxiety you have about social interactions will slowly decrease. There will no longer be a reason to fear others or the responses of others. You will be able to tolerate negative reactions from others recognizing, so long as it is respectful, it is their right, and there is no reason for you to change your position just because someone else doesn’t like it.
To begin, consider your personal values and/or goals in a given day. This will guide you in boundary setting. What values are important to you? What are the things, who are the people, and what are the activities that matter most to you? This is what you prioritize. Knowing this helps you keep your focus and feel more comfortable setting boundaries because you are clear on your non-negotiables.
Setting interpersonal boundaries
Depending on your circumstances, you may encounter dozens of interpersonal interactions in a day from your family to coworkers to strangers at the store. With all these interactions, we have ample opportunities to practice boundary setting. Did someone at the grocery store stand within inches of you while waiting in the check-out line? That would be a physical boundary violation. You can take a step away politely let the person know they have come into your space. Maybe you are waiting in line at the post office and multitasking by answering a work text that requires focus, but a well-meaning stranger starts talking to you as they stand behind. No problem. This is a chance to say, “I don’t mean to be unfriendly, but I’ve just got to focus on this work issue right now.” Here you are setting boundaries with communications and even your time and energy; you’d rather put your energy into taking care of something meaningful to you rather than engage with a stranger. You can also set boundaries about communications with others in situations where you enjoy talking with someone, but they wish to discuss something you are uncomfortable talking about, such as gossip. You don’t have to engage in gossip or any topic if you don’t feel comfortable discussing. Interpersonal communication can also be about stating your preferences. If in making dinner plans a friend suggests a restaurant but you really don’t care for that type of cuisine, feel free to share that. These are just a few examples of ways you can practice setting interpersonal boundaries.
Exercise: Throughout your day, identify opportunities to express your preferences in various situations.
Setting emotional boundaries
Emotional boundary setting involves a bit of self-introspection. You need to check in with yourself about your emotional energy levels and comfort with certain topics. Assessing your emotional energy levels involves recognizing what your current emotions are (e.g., anxious, calm, frustrated, scattered, down, peaceful) and the intensity of those emotions say on a scale from 1 to 10. Once you have this awareness, you know where you are emotionally and therefore how much you do or don’t have to give to others. If you are worn out, stressed, and exhausted, it’s probably not a day you can also be there for your friend who is going through a dilemma. It is absolutely okay to tell your friend, I’d really like to listen and talk about your dilemma, but can I call you back in a few hours after I’ve had a chance to eat and clear my head? In other words, if people ask for our help, we don’t have to immediately jump to action if we’re not ready or capable at that moment. We can ask for time. Also, if someone wants to discuss a situation with us but it triggers us in some way, it’s okay to express that. “I’m really sorry you’re going through this, but this is really triggering me because of what I’ve gone through; is there someone else who might be better able to help you with this situation?” When we speak tactfully and from the heart, most people will be understanding. Is there a situation in your life now that could benefit from you setting an emotional boundary? Understand that you only have so much emotional energy in each day, and it is crucial to protect it; save it for the issues that are most important.
Question: Is there a situation in your life where setting an emotional boundary could be beneficial?
Setting time boundaries
Time is also a resource we all only have so much of and must guard carefully. Before thinking about your calendar, first consider your personal values. What is most important to you? Options might include family, friendships, career, hobbies, charity, spirituality, physical fitness, healthy cooking, or some other area. Once you are clear on what is most deserving of your time in rank order, you can get more specific with various tasks—block an hour for a lunch date with your best friend, devote Saturday mornings to gardening, leave evenings free for quality time with the family. Once you are clear on your values you can guard your time with greater assuredness. This means that when you are asked to volunteer with a PTA project, you first consider the request with your values and non-negotiables in mind. Only then can you accept or decline with confidence and in a way that feels comfortable to you. If you are asked to participate in an event there is nothing wrong with saying, “let me get back to you about that.” Nothing more needs to be said. No groveling, no expressing how much you would like to help, no explaining your busy life. Take time for yourself to stop and consider what feels right and what makes sense in light of your values and schedule; then respond.
Goal achievement bonus!
Another way boundary setting can be beneficial is with goal setting. Whether we are considering goals for the new year in January or with our birthdays or just because we got inspired, boundary setting can help you hone in on what’s most important to you. Often goals are unsuccessful because they are approached too broadly or there are too many goals. For instance, in having a goal of becoming more health conscious a person may decide they need to change exercise habits, eating habits, sleeping habits, and engagement in personal activities. “I’m going to exercise daily, drink 8 glasses of water daily, cut out alcohol, cut out chocolate, go to sleep at 10 and wake at 6, and stop staying out late on the weekends.” Whoa! This is way too much too fast. Is it any wonder the goals are not met and old behaviors remain? In this case, the individual did not set boundaries with themself! Every and all health-related areas were included without editing. A much more effective way to make changes related to health would be to choose ONE of those areas as a focus. Once one area is selected, a specific goal needs to be identified. Let’s choose the goal of drinking more water. A specific and reasonable goal needs to be selected; something that is somewhat challenging so there will be a self-motivating sense of accomplishment with achievement but not too hard that the goal is abandoned all together. The goal could be: I will drink 4 glasses (12 ounce size) each day. By honing in on the specific goal, a boundary is set—you are only focusing on water and nothing else. You can think of boundaries as editing in this way. You can apply this idea to situations where you feel overwhelmed too. Too many things on the to do list? Edit. Choose one item. Achieve that goal. Only after it is achieved will you consider another.
A Free Gift For You – The Simplified Goal Tracker
If you’d like a handy worksheet to help you in goal achievement, head to the AROSE eTherapy website (www.arose-etherapy.com) and sign-up for the complementary newsletter. By joining the AROSE eTherapy newsletter community you will receive a Simplified Goal Tracker worksheet as a bonus gift! You will also receive A Coping Guide for Stress & Life Changes as an additional gift. These tools are offered so that you can implement coping skills and achieve your personal goals with simple guidance. As always, if you want further support, AROSE eTherapy is here to support you. You are welcome to book a free consult with Dr. Alicia Rozycki to see if there is a good fit and have any questions about therapy answered. AROSE eTherapy is honored to support you on your therapeutic journey.
Best wishes and happy boundary setting!
ABOUT THE AUTHOR, ALICIA ROZYCKI, PhD:
Dr. Rozycki is a licensed psychologist and the founder of AROSE eTherapy, an online therapy practice serving high achieving professional women and military affiliates including active duty, veterans, spouses, and government employees. Virtual sessions are available in Colorado, Florida, Maryland, and Pennsylvania. Learn more about Dr. Rozycki.
