Codependency

CODEPENDENCY: POINTERS FROM CODEPENDENT NO MORE

Dr. Alicia Rozycki speaks about Codependency in this VLOG.

 WHAT IS CODEPENDENCY?

Over the years I have worked with many people who have traits of codependency or are codependent. As this is addressed, I often find that people are familiar with the term but really don’t know what is meant by it. I would argue it is a pop psychology term to describe someone who loses their sense of self in being obsessed with someone who themselves is struggling with a problematic behavior, usually an addiction. Although the term is commonly used in psychological circles, I still categorize it as pop psychology since the term codependency is not in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual-5 (DSM-5), the manual used by mental health professionals to make diagnoses. The closest term in the DSM-5 would be Dependent Personality Disorder but discussion of this term won’t be the focus of this blog. The definition, as I’ve stated it, may just sound like someone who is a caregiver. Yet, codependency is more than caregiving. The focus on others comes at a great detriment to the self in terms of losing all sense of self, failing to practice self-care, and unraveling to such a degree that the codependent person develops issues of their own.

In this blog, I’ll pull concepts from the book, Codependent No More by Melody Beattie; this book is fondly considered the “bible” of codependency and explains the construct better than most sources. It was groundbreaking since Ms. Beattie was the first to encapsulate information about this concept and provide strategies for overcoming codependent behaviors. She notes that codependency is not just about caring for troubled or needy people but also includes “silent rules” that keep all parties from discussing the true issues and problems, having honest communications, allowing for imperfections, and leaving room for having fun in life. She defines a codependent person as:

              “one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.” p. 34.

Ms. Beattie outlines common traits of codependency and provides examples along with the traits. Here are her traits along with a few examples:      

• CARETAKING

  • Feeling responsible for others’ feelings, actions, choices, destiny

  • Offering unsolicited advice

  • Feeling frustrated others don’t do the same for you

  • Saying yes when you want to say no

  • Feeling safest when giving

  • Abandoning your routine to take care of others

• LOW SELF-WORTH

  • Coming from a repressed, troubled, or dysfunctional family and denying it

  • Rejecting compliments

  • Feeling not quite good enough

  • Feeling guilty doing for yourself or buying something for yourself

  • Having been victims of abuse, neglect, abandonment, or addiction

  • Fearing making mistakes

  • Feeling ashamed and guilty

  • Believing good things will never happen or believing you don’t deserve good things

• REPRESSION

  • Pushing feelings and thoughts away out of fear or guilt

  • Fearing letting go and being your true self

• OBSESSION

  • Feeling anxious about problems and people

  • Losing sleep worrying

  • Feeling unable to stop thinking and talking about others

  • Focusing all energy on others and their problems

• CONTROLLING

  • Feeling afraid to let others be who they are and letting natural consequences and events occur

  • Failing to deal with your fear of loss of control

  • Feeling you know what’s best for others

  • Feeling controlled by other people and events

• DENIAL

  • Ignoring and/or downplaying problems

  • Staying so busy that problems are avoided

  • Getting depressed or physically sick

  • Over working, overeating, over shopping—pretending these behaviors are not happening either

• DEPENDENCY

  • Lacking happiness or contentment

  • Looking to externals for happiness like other people, places, things, and behaviors

  • Lacking love and approval from your parents

  • Lacking a sense of self-love

  • Seeking love from those who can’t give it

  • Believing others are never there for you

  • Worrying about whether others love or like you

  • Lacking confidence in your own ability to take care of yourself

  • Staying in relationships that don’t work or are abusive

• POOR COMMUNICATION

  • Blaming

  • Threatening

  • Begging

  • Advising

  • Not knowing what you mean or knowing what you say

  • Failing to be direct in communications, like sighing instead of speaking

  • Saying what you think will please or provoke others

  • Talking too much or too little about yourself

  • Feeling your opinions don’t matter

  • Covering-up for others

  • Apologizing for bothering others

• WEAK BOUNDARIES

  • Saying you won’t tolerate certain behaviors but gradually increasing tolerance until you do things you said you never would

  • Failing to stand up to others and then wondering why you get hurt by others

• LACK OF TRUST

  • You don’t trust yourself—feelings, decisions

  • You don’t trust other people

  • You trust untrustworthy people

• ANGER

  • Feeling scared, hurt, resentful, angry

  • Feeling afraid of your own and others’ anger

  • Believing other people make you angry

  • Crying and feeling depressed

  • Getting even with anger outbursts and more

  • Feeling guilty and ashamed for feeling angry

• SEX PROBLEMS

  • Being a caretaker in the bedroom

  • Having sex when you don’t want to or when you’d rather be held, nurtured, and loved

  • Having a hard time asking to have your needs met

  • Withdrawing emotionally or sexually from your partner

  • Fantasizing about others or having affairs

• MISCELLANEOUS

  • Feeling extremely responsible or irresponsible

  • Finding it difficult to feel close to others

  • Struggling to have fun and be spontaneous

  • Being passive—feeling hurt and helpless

  • Being aggressive—violent, angry, dominant

  • Vacillating in decisions and emotions

WHERE DOES CODEPENDENCY COME FROM?

In counseling, it seems people of all backgrounds are prone to codependency. I will say it seems most come from a family where addictions and dysfunctional behavior are common, but this is not the case for all. Some come from healthy, well-adjusted backgrounds. Some have experienced traumas but not all. Some seem to slip into codependency as they become involved in unhealthy relationships.

HOW DOES CODEPENDENCY MANIFEST?

The above list of traits gives an indication of how codependency impacts a person’s life. The list is not all inclusive. You can find additional traits in Codependent No More, other books like it, or on the Codependents Anonymous website (https://coda.org). These traits can infiltrate a person’s life before they even realize the traits have taken hold. Some pick up these traits in childhood so they may not know they have them and some slowly slip into them in adulthood. Codependent traits most commonly manifest in romantic relationships but can manifest in other relationships like parent-child relationships (in either direction), amongst siblings, or amongst coworkers. Codependency can play out in the workplace with codependents being overly responsible, micromanaging, critical, or by doing the work of three when assigned to do the work of one.  

How do you move forward from codependency?

Connect with your support system and focus on yourself!

HOW DO YOU LET GO OF CODEPENDENT TRAITS AND BEHAVIORS?

Do you recognize yourself in this blog? Don’t despair! There are ways to work through this. Hopefully this information moved you on to the first phase of working through it—awareness. You cannot fix what you do not realize is broken. The information here is just a beginning. If this spoke to you, continue your journey to educate yourself. Pick up a copy of Ms. Beattie’s book. In it she gives strategies for healing such as:

·       Give yourself permission to detach and not feel guilty about it or responsible for others

·       Learn to stop reacting to every action of others

·       Trust that things will be as they are meant to without your involvement

·       Break free of the victim mentality—you have choices!

·       Stop rescuing others from the natural consequences of their own mistakes

·       Learn to trust yourself--your feelings, intuitions, and thoughts

·       Process old hurts from childhood—make peace there to avoid repeating patterns in the now

·       Find your own way, internally, to find peace, well-being, and worth

·       Get to know yourself—attributes, interests, wants, needs

·       Grieve and practice acceptance of self and others

·       Get comfortable with feelings—if you repress the negative ones, you’ll simultaneously repress the good ones

·       Practice emotional honesty—acknowledge and express feelings appropriately

·       Set personal goals

·       Communicate effectively and with assertion

·       Take a risk on intimacy

·       Get financially responsible

·       Practice forgiveness of self and others

·       Practice self-love by making healthy food choices, exercising routinely, and getting proper rest

·       Have fun!

In addition to education, seek out further support from those who understand. Attend a Codependents Anonymous Meeting (12 step program for codependency) or Al-anon Meeting (12 step program for friends and families of alcoholics). You can search for more information at https://coda.org and https://al-anon.org, These groups offer support and understanding. Talking with others who can relate has a way to validate your distress and pave the way to healing. You can also try engaging with a therapist who is skilled in codependency recovery. Receiving an objective perspective and one-to-one support may be necessary as you are learning a new way of thinking, feeling, and behaving. There is no reason to suffer when solutions are available.  

BENEFITS OF ONLINE COUNSELING

Online counseling saves you time and energy as you access mental health care from your home or office without having to take time out to commute to and from the appointment. Relax in the comfort of your own space as you devote one hour to self-care. Secure platforms are used to protect your privacy. Research shows online therapy and in-person sessions are equally effective. So why not choose the more convenient option? Save time, gas, and minimize stress so that a one-hour appointment takes only one hour and not 3 with traffic.

BEGIN COUNSELING WITH AN ONLINE THERAPIST IN COLORADO, FLORIDA, MARYLAND, AND PENNSYLVANIA

If you’re tired of feeling overwhelmed, stop wishing and take an action towards change today! AROSE eTherapy offers a Free 15-minute consult. If you would like to proceed to services after your consult, we’ll book you our next available initial appointment, and you’ll be on your way to healing!

AROSE eTherapy offers over 15 years’ experience in offering mental health services.

ABOUT the author

Alicia Rozycki, PhD

Dr. Rozycki is a licensed psychologist and the founder of AROSE eTherapy, an online therapy practice serving high achieving professional women and military affiliates including active duty, veterans, spouses, and government employees. Virtual sessions are available in Colorado, Florida, Maryland, and Pennsylvania. Learn more about Dr. Rozycki.

American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). Washington, DC: Author.

Beatty, M. (1992). Codependent no more. Hazelden Publishing.